Дата: Четверг, 14-Окт-2010, 22:23 | Сообщение # 181
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The first day
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?".
Attaining wisdom
Once someone asked Hodja, "How can one attain wisdom?" Hodja replied, "Always listen attentively to what the wise and learned men tell you. And when you are speaking to others, listen carefully to what you are saying!"
Дата: Суббота, 16-Окт-2010, 14:10 | Сообщение # 182
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Brakes
Driving instructor: 'What would you do if you were coming down that very steep hill into town and your brakes failed?' Learner: 'Hit something cheap?
Profit
Customer: 'But if it costs ten pounds to make these watches, and you sell them for ten pounds where does your profit come in?' Shopkeeper: 'From repairing.'
Bath
'Are you going to take a bath?' 'No - I'm going to leave it where it is:' (Юмор основан на двояком восприятии выражения to take a bath: 1. принять ванну; 2. взять ванну)
Дата: Понедельник, 18-Окт-2010, 17:46 | Сообщение # 183
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What a cool beach!
There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and asks them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far the sea is?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow! What a cool beach!!!"
Annoyed dog
Visitor: -What's wrong with that dog of yours? Every time I take a drink of water he growls. Tommy: -Oh, he won't bother you. He's just annoyed because you're drinking out of his cup.
Дата: Понедельник, 01-Ноя-2010, 20:17 | Сообщение # 186
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Potato Mr. Smith -Your son threw a potato at me. Mr. Jones -Did it hit you? Mr. Smith -No. Mr. Jones -Then it wasn't my son.
The wrong face Sergeant (in army camp ) -Why haven 't you shaved this morning? Private -Well, there were eight of us using the same mirror; and I must have shaved the wrong face.
Дата: Четверг, 02-Дек-2010, 19:18 | Сообщение # 187
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Kindness One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal, he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry and so she brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?" "You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness." He said, "Then I thank you from my heart." As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strengthened also. Years later, that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, he went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown, he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day, he gave special attention to the case. After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested from the business office to pass the final billing to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge, and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words: "PAID IN FULL WITH ONE GLASS OF MILK.... (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly." Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love is shed abroad through human hearts and hands." [imgjavascript://]http/....tp Пока мы живы, поезд наш в пути!
Дата: Пятница, 04-Фев-2011, 17:19 | Сообщение # 192
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Генерал: - Товарищ военный переводчик, а как на английский перевести мягкий знак? Военный переводчик: -Товарищ генерал, в английском языке нет мягкого знака. Генерал: -Ну, и если вы такие умные, как же вы тогда "конь" на английский переведете? [imgjavascript://]http/....tp Пока мы живы, поезд наш в пути!
Дата: Вторник, 08-Фев-2011, 14:02 | Сообщение # 193
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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, He floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
Дата: Четверг, 10-Фев-2011, 13:53 | Сообщение # 194
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Пенсионер изгнал свой совершенно новый кабриолет BMW Z4 из автомобиля salesroom. Снимая вниз автостраду, Он поставил в тупик это к 160 км/ч, наслаждаясь ветром, дующим через то, что небольшие волосы он имел в запасе.
"Удивительный!" он думал, когда он управлял вниз M1, наслаждаясь подталкиванием педали к металлу даже больше. Смотря в его зеркале заднего обзора, он видел патрульную машину позади него, высвечивания синего света и рева сирены.
"Я могу убежать от него - никакая проблема!" думал пожилой псих, когда он поставил в тупик это к 180 км/ч, тогда 220 тогда 240 км/ч. Внезапно, он думал, "Что же, спрашивается, я делаю? Я слишком стар для этой ерунды!" Таким образом, он останавливался стороне дороги и ждал патрульной машины, чтобы догнать его.
Сдерживаясь позади него, полицейский шел по стороне водителя БМВ, смотрел на его часы и сказал, "Сэр, мое изменение заканчивается через 10 минут. Сегодня пятница, и я взлетаю в течение выходных. Если Вы можете привести мне причину, почему Вы ускоряли это, я никогда не слышал прежде, я позволю Вам идти."
Старик, на которого смотрят очень серьезно, полицейский, и ответил, "Несколько лет назад, моя жена убежала с полицейским. Я думал, что Вы возвращали ее."
"Имейте хороший день, Сэр", сказал полицейский......
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ГЛЯЖУСЬ В ТЕБЯ, КАК В ЗЕРКАЛО ..... ДО ГОЛОВОКРУЖЕНИЯ
