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Форум веселых и любознательных » Все обо всем » Язык мой - друг мой » English for Fun (Веселые тексты и анекдоты на английском языке)
English for Fun
RadugaДата: Четверг, 23-Ноя-2006, 19:10 | Сообщение # 31
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IreneДата: Пятница, 24-Ноя-2006, 13:44 | Сообщение # 32
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You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive
him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him to death.

IreneДата: Суббота, 25-Ноя-2006, 23:53 | Сообщение # 33
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Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."

IreneДата: Среда, 29-Ноя-2006, 01:33 | Сообщение # 34
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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it
overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband
gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on
the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the
end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus .. so shut up."

roust52Дата: Четверг, 07-Дек-2006, 16:06 | Сообщение # 35
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Quote (Irene)
Мы находимся все в канаве, но некоторые из нас смотрят на звезды. - Оскар Уайльд

И обратное утверждение :
Мы вышли из пещер, но пещера еще не вышла из нас - Антоний Регульский

Jai Guru Dev!

Сообщение отредактировал roust52 - Четверг, 07-Дек-2006, 16:07
IreneДата: Воскресенье, 17-Дек-2006, 02:26 | Сообщение # 36
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Hearing so many people speaking ill about his intelligence level, George W. Bush decided to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was :
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the right, like all normal people. But the problem is : in your left brain, there is nothing right and in your right brain, there is nothing left !
БабаЯгаДата: Воскресенье, 17-Дек-2006, 22:33 | Сообщение # 37
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Ёлки-палки ет как же пнимать-то прям все не по нашенски написано. шифровка чё ли?
bellabambinaДата: Среда, 20-Дек-2006, 00:22 | Сообщение # 38
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Irene,dear these jokes are really funny.Thanx for that. biggrin

Smile, people!
IreneДата: Среда, 20-Дек-2006, 03:17 | Сообщение # 39
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Thank you, sweetie, - you seem to be the only one who likes them.
roust52Дата: Среда, 20-Дек-2006, 08:56 | Сообщение # 40
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Quote (Irene)
the only one who likes them.

not only PRETTYGIRL, but I'm too

Jai Guru Dev!

Сообщение отредактировал roust52 - Среда, 20-Дек-2006, 09:33
RRobinsДата: Среда, 20-Дек-2006, 15:07 | Сообщение # 41
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Me and my husband were laughing too biggrin biggrin biggrin
IreneДата: Четверг, 21-Дек-2006, 00:52 | Сообщение # 42
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А это из жизни:

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table, the ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle :
- Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years ! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years ?
- A penis, replied madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer, and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned to his wife and said :
- Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word : " ’appiness".

bellabambinaДата: Четверг, 21-Дек-2006, 01:38 | Сообщение # 43
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biggrin biggrin biggrin

Smile, people!
IreneДата: Четверг, 21-Дек-2006, 02:53 | Сообщение # 44
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Language Problem

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

IreneДата: Воскресенье, 24-Дек-2006, 14:19 | Сообщение # 45
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?"

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!"

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